3 Keys to Managing Negative Inner Dialogue

We’ve all experienced times when our inner dialogue attempts to sabotage our confidence or goals. Negative self-talk can prevent us from achieving our true potential and can result in added stress or anxiety. But how do we overcome this?

Shirzad Chamine’s book, Positive Intelligence, shows us how to defeat our internal foes. Based on his research, his book discusses ten mental Saboteurs as well as ways to conquer them using the power of your mind.

I’d like to share the three keys that I am taking away from his research, his program, and the results people are getting, including myself. And I’m excited to announce that I am now a Positive Intelligence coach – with one more tool to add to my toolbelt!

These keys will help you manage your Inner Dialogue (the constant chatter our mind generates every minute, hour, and day).

Key #1: Recognize the Three Kinds of Inner Thoughts:

Positive, Negative, or Neutral

Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and are inspiring, curious, patient, and accepting to name just a few qualities.

Neutral thoughts are, essentially, facts. The sky is blue, the dog ate my homework, etc.

Negative thoughts are often generated from the fight-or-flight region of our brain and are the cause of much of our stress, anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, and more.

Here is an example using all three types of thoughts for the same situation:

• Negative: I’ll never get all this done today!! (Feeling panicky)

• Neutral: I have 10 things I’d like to do today. (Feeling neutral with a hint of acceptance)

• Positive: I will focus on getting these three main things done first and then evaluate what is next. (Feeling enthusiastic, ready to take charge, focused.)

You might get all 10 things accomplished from any of these perspectives, but the Negative thinking will leave you feeling exhausted for sure!

Key #2: You get to choose which channel to listen to

Raising your awareness to notice the internal running commentary is the first step to changing the channel! Would you rather listen to a doubting, nagging, perfection-seeking, drill sergeant or a compassionate and laser-focused voice that is curious, innovative, and motivated? Channel 2, please!

You know which channel you are listening to based on how you feel. The negative voice, such as your inner judge, is what causes you to feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. That same judge causes you to react negatively to yourself, others, and difficult situations as well. When we keep listening to this channel, we get more and more upset and stuck.

Once you’ve heard the negative message, acknowledge it and then change the channel.

Key #3: Practice will change your brain and bring more happiness and success

I was never much for meditating, and I’m still not an active practitioner – not really. What I’m doing is interrupting my Saboteur messages and finding a full assortment of ways to calm my thoughts and recenter myself; focused breathing is the easiest. There is a ton of research that proves that our minds are “trainable”, adaptable, and will physically change if we do meditative-like activities. Don’t you want to build a “Calm” muscle and weaken the “Panic” muscle?

When you hear the Saboteur thoughts in your mind, or feel increasingly negative, name it, and take 3 slow deep breaths. Concentrate on your breath. Feel the air as it flows into your nose and out. Put your hand on your belly and notice the rise and fall as you breathe in and out. Now, from that calmer place, decide which positive thoughts will guide you.

“I CAN do this!” “I will work on one project at a time.” I will break this project into many smaller steps.” “If I ask, instead of assuming, I’ll probably find the right answer.” “I have time to take a walk.”

Challenge: Apply this to your everyday life

Notice what you are thinking about.
If it is negative, name it, practice breathing, and change the channel.
Practice 5 new ways to look at a challenging situation each week. Here are a few prompts to help get you started.

·         What is the new opportunity here?

·         How can I approach the problem from a new perspective?

·         How can I add self-care and self-compassion into my day?

For 12 years I’ve been helping people go through the steps of noticing, naming, and shifting focus. Now I have a wonderful tool to offer you from your Smartphone as well. If you’d like to know more about the Positive Intelligence program and phone app, please contact me.

7 Steps to a New Morning Routine

We all yearn to improve our morning and evening routines in order to feel better about our day and to be more productive. How can we use our time wisely and even fit in some special reflection and prep time while also getting enough sleep?

I like to think of our routines as the framework that allows us to use our most effective mind, rather than trying to willpower or panic our way through the day. “I should” and “I have to” statements have built-in anxiety and judgement. If we say “I will follow this routine” (that I have created for myself), it gives us a feeling of being in control with a commitment to make it happen.

This lesson was drilled home to me a few years ago when I was babysitting for my grandkids. My daughter knew I like to sleep in, but she gently persuaded me to get up just 15 minutes before the kids so that I would be one step ahead of the “must do’s”; breakfast, getting dressed, back-packs, dogs out, bus pick-up, and daycare drop off.  All that happens in a mere 60 minutes! If I wasn’t dressed and ready to go when the kids got up, I would be driving in my pajamas!!

To avoid chaos and disappointment, let’s look at my seven steps to make our mornings calmer, beginning with the night before:

Step 1. Begin at night to prepare for the needs of your family and yourself.

• Prepare for your morning rush – whatever that might look like, (lunches made, papers ready, clothes decided on).

• Write out 3 things you will do tomorrow morning; a phone call, an email to write, or a meeting to prepare for. Determine your priorities for the day so you can jump right in without a decision to make. The best time to do this is in the late afternoon or evening while it is fresh in your mind. It makes it easier to get to sleep, too!

Step 2. Determine all the steps you want to fit into your morning routine, then decide the order, how long each will take, and what time you need to be done by. Throw out your old timeline and get tuned into what will work best for you. My list might include: hygiene, dressing, meditation/exercise, journaling, breakfast, talk to my husband, and “walk to work.” Imagine yourself doing each of these steps and determine the best order and location. Be careful for any “have-tos” that might sneak in.

• Bonus tip. Be realistic with how long things take.

Step 3. Once you determine your time to get up, subtract 8 hours and set your goal for lights out. Our body needs sleep and if we don’t oblige, it will fight back in ways that we can’t control.

Step 4. Write out your plan. I can’t say it enough. If the steps are clear, the mind will oblige.

Step 5. Be prepared for the Inner Critic that will throw out challenges for you. For instance, the Avoider or Hyper-Achiever in you might try to rationalize why today is not the day to start a new routine. Repeat after me, “I have time”, “I will make time”, “This will make my day so much better.”

Step 6. Track a few steps from your routine and what time they should be done by. If you’re really nerdy about it, you can make a chart and check off each step for a week or more to see how you’re doing. Example, I want to be done with my morning mediation and journal by 7:15 and down in the kitchen by 7:45.

Step 7. Do a daily mindset check-in. Are you proud of yourself for any progress you are making? Do you have compassion for yourself when you get behind? It is important to celebrate each win as you start building these habits. You’re actually building new gray matter in your brain, developing new neuropathways that will make it easier and easier to follow this routine.

Good luck and remember to let me know if you need any help or want to discuss what is working or not working for you.

Are You Avoiding the BIG THINGS? What are you doing instead?

In my last post I talked about avoiding – putting off some sort of task, conversation, or decision – due to a variety of reasons. This time I want to dig a little deeper into what we tend to do instead of the Big Things. I say “we” because I am a classic recovering Avoider so I am very familiar with the Avoider’s mindset!

Sometimes the Big Thing is something we know very well – like doing our taxes, getting a physical, or preparing a presentation. Other times the Big Thing is an unfulfilled dream; to finally start a business, to de-clutter the entire house, or to find life balance. The mindset of avoidance might keep us from doing anything BUT that Big Thing that would be a huge relief or a big win. Let’s call them Default Tasks.

These default tasks fall into five categories: Easy Wins, Distractions, The Predictable, The Mundane, and the Right Channel, Wrong Task. Start paying attention to which categories you spend your time in.

Easy wins are all relative to the doer. What I consider easy might be painful for someone else. (I LOVE to balance my checkbook!) What they have in common is that they may only take a few minutes and require little effort. They don’t take up a lot of mental space for you and they’ll allow you to cross something off your list. “I need to do this anyway, so why don’t I just do it first to get it out of the way?” The problem is that, if you’re not careful, easy wins can take up some of your best chunks of time.

Distractions are often time wasters that cause you to lose focus. They may start off as a task but keep your attention for way too long. (Example – social media and emails). Distractions might also be your surroundings, the people in your life, or current events. They lure your attention away and break down your willpower to work on that one Big Thing. Distractions may also include food or other alternatives we choose to soothe the anxiety of not doing the Big Thing. (That’s a whole other topic!)

The Predictable are things that you KNOW – what to do, how long it will take, and what the probable outcome will be. These things are most likely tasks that you’re really good at. They might be similar to easy wins but may not even be on your to-do list and will help you rationalize why you don’t have time for the Big Thing.

The Mundane are daily chores or tasks that are like a constant wave – you never get completely ahead. Do you suddenly start doing laundry, cleaning the fridge, or walking your pet to avoid what you “should” be doing? My house is never cleaner than when I have a Big Thing to do.

Right Channel, Wrong Task. Sometimes we choose a task that is in the right channel, but the wrong target. Do you call your favorite work colleague for no reason instead of having a pointed conversation that is really pressing on you? Do you work on Project A instead of B, which needs more pressing attention?

Sometimes we get started on a long-term Big Thing and then lose focus or willpower. Have you committed to “getting healthy” and started an exercise regimen only to see it wane after a few weeks or months? Have you started a business plan or looked into a new certification but then never followed through?

The alternatives to working on our Big Thing are part of our everyday life. It is often normal to be doing the alternatives, just not helpful! The key to achieving the Big Things is to prioritize them, commit to them, set boundaries around the alternatives, and do ONE Big Thing at a time.

If you need a little help, let me know. In my next post I’ll share some other strategies to get into action around your Big Things.

Mountain, Molehill, or Puddle – It’s All a Matter of Perspective

This is NOT a mountain to climb!

Have you ever made something bigger in your mind than it really was?  And then avoided it like the plague and never got it done?

There are once-in-a-while tasks or even projects or dreams we have that, because we’ve never done them before or we don’t feel confident doing them, we put off. It may involve making a big decision and commitment, or will take a big chunk of time to complete. We let our imagination take over and think, “It’s going to be too hard.” Or, “It’s so big I don’t know where to start.” Or, “I just don’t have time for that right now.” These thoughts keep us in the avoidance or procrastination mindset. Our daily whirlwind of activity and our fear of the unknown doesn’t allow us to see any possibility.

My year has been busy - my coaching practice, family events, and the adjustments to becoming a Zoom expert out of shear necessity! (Let’s call that my whirlwind). I also knew that I wanted to do more.

During a recent coaching session (yes, Coaches have Coaches!), I wanted clarity on my next steps for my coaching business and my professional interests. I had several incomplete projects that I wanted to pay attention to; finish writing my book, launch more classes, launch a coach mentoring niche, and a few more “lofty” projects. I was in the mindset that I would “eventually do them all but who knows when”.  The first win of the session was to identify ONE (and only one) thing to focus on. I chose to relaunch my newsletter. The second win of the session was my determination to hire my friend and marketing consultant Jocelyn Murray to help me get this done. I know from past endeavors that I do best with an accountability partner. There were also some technical issues involving my website that were holding me back.

I shifted from, “I can do this all by myself but not sure when I’ll find the time,” to, “I will get this done, one step at a time, with partners to encourage and guide me when I need help.”

When I spoke with Jocelyn, I told her I was ready to make the “big leap”. She said, “It’s not a big leap, it’s just a step over a little puddle.”

That’s when I knew I had been making a mountain out of a mole hill, and even better, this was a little puddle that I could step over. It’s more like a series of puddles and I only have to walk over one at a time! I went from using language that was draining my energy and closing off possibilities to language that shows ease and flow and being at choice. I’ve done this with many, many clients, and now I had someone to help me reframe for myself.

If you are reading this article, it means that I’ve posted it on my website and I’ve sent it out to my newsletter list! The next step for me is to repeat the process over and over until it feels like second nature to me. Please reach out if there is a dream or a “future project” that you’d like to discuss. I want to help you find that new perspective.

Lessons Learned:

1. When you have a bunch of big things you want to accomplish “someday”, pick one and work on it – one step at a time – with a commitment to complete it.

2. Take any big project and chunk it down into smaller steps. When you decide on the first step, it makes the possibility of achieving the next steps much more likely.

3. Action, any action, is better than standing still. If the first step isn’t the right one, that’s ok. You can shift your path at any time.

4. It’s OK to ask for help; an accountability partner, someone to talk to who will be there as you find your new, winning perspective.