3 Keys to Managing Negative Inner Dialogue

We’ve all experienced times when our inner dialogue attempts to sabotage our confidence or goals. Negative self-talk can prevent us from achieving our true potential and can result in added stress or anxiety. But how do we overcome this?

Shirzad Chamine’s book, Positive Intelligence, shows us how to defeat our internal foes. Based on his research, his book discusses ten mental Saboteurs as well as ways to conquer them using the power of your mind.

I’d like to share the three keys that I am taking away from his research, his program, and the results people are getting, including myself. And I’m excited to announce that I am now a Positive Intelligence coach – with one more tool to add to my toolbelt!

These keys will help you manage your Inner Dialogue (the constant chatter our mind generates every minute, hour, and day).

Key #1: Recognize the Three Kinds of Inner Thoughts:

Positive, Negative, or Neutral

Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and are inspiring, curious, patient, and accepting to name just a few qualities.

Neutral thoughts are, essentially, facts. The sky is blue, the dog ate my homework, etc.

Negative thoughts are often generated from the fight-or-flight region of our brain and are the cause of much of our stress, anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, and more.

Here is an example using all three types of thoughts for the same situation:

• Negative: I’ll never get all this done today!! (Feeling panicky)

• Neutral: I have 10 things I’d like to do today. (Feeling neutral with a hint of acceptance)

• Positive: I will focus on getting these three main things done first and then evaluate what is next. (Feeling enthusiastic, ready to take charge, focused.)

You might get all 10 things accomplished from any of these perspectives, but the Negative thinking will leave you feeling exhausted for sure!

Key #2: You get to choose which channel to listen to

Raising your awareness to notice the internal running commentary is the first step to changing the channel! Would you rather listen to a doubting, nagging, perfection-seeking, drill sergeant or a compassionate and laser-focused voice that is curious, innovative, and motivated? Channel 2, please!

You know which channel you are listening to based on how you feel. The negative voice, such as your inner judge, is what causes you to feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. That same judge causes you to react negatively to yourself, others, and difficult situations as well. When we keep listening to this channel, we get more and more upset and stuck.

Once you’ve heard the negative message, acknowledge it and then change the channel.

Key #3: Practice will change your brain and bring more happiness and success

I was never much for meditating, and I’m still not an active practitioner – not really. What I’m doing is interrupting my Saboteur messages and finding a full assortment of ways to calm my thoughts and recenter myself; focused breathing is the easiest. There is a ton of research that proves that our minds are “trainable”, adaptable, and will physically change if we do meditative-like activities. Don’t you want to build a “Calm” muscle and weaken the “Panic” muscle?

When you hear the Saboteur thoughts in your mind, or feel increasingly negative, name it, and take 3 slow deep breaths. Concentrate on your breath. Feel the air as it flows into your nose and out. Put your hand on your belly and notice the rise and fall as you breathe in and out. Now, from that calmer place, decide which positive thoughts will guide you.

“I CAN do this!” “I will work on one project at a time.” I will break this project into many smaller steps.” “If I ask, instead of assuming, I’ll probably find the right answer.” “I have time to take a walk.”

Challenge: Apply this to your everyday life

Notice what you are thinking about.
If it is negative, name it, practice breathing, and change the channel.
Practice 5 new ways to look at a challenging situation each week. Here are a few prompts to help get you started.

·         What is the new opportunity here?

·         How can I approach the problem from a new perspective?

·         How can I add self-care and self-compassion into my day?

For 12 years I’ve been helping people go through the steps of noticing, naming, and shifting focus. Now I have a wonderful tool to offer you from your Smartphone as well. If you’d like to know more about the Positive Intelligence program and phone app, please contact me.

Destiny Part II: I LOVE What I Do

Destiny Part II: I love what I do!

I love being a life and business coach. Though I never planned to be a coach, I’m quite happy that I followed my gut into this field. I get a front-row seat as people get really engaged and inspired to take control of their life and their future. I get to see goals achieved, confidence and pride built, and a whole shift take place; clients are taking back control of their lives and setting a purposeful course.

Many people call it “Inner Work” and I have to agree. Changes are made from the inside out; shifting focus, setting goals and boundaries and priorities. It is so rewarding to be a part of the transformations that I see on a regular basis.

I have transformed along with my clients. I have gained confidence and clarity, learned to use the tools I teach, and learned that I have to practice, practice, and practice some more every day. You don’t get proficient at anything without putting in the work.

Today I have the honor of rekindling a coaching relationship with one of my very first clients from 2008. Anjali is a dancer, choreographer and college professor. We worked together for over a year between 2008 and 2010. We did our coaching sessions by phone since she lived in FL (and still does) while I live in CT.

It’s hard to explain how you can build such a strong bond with someone by phone, but we did – and have touched base from time to time since then. (She gets more of the credit).  I still have a thank you card that she sent me in 2012! It meant the world to me to see that she was living the life she had aspired to live (her “future self”) and had made many bold decisions along the way.

Anjali has redefined her life since we first started working together. She has set and achieved some amazing goals with real focus and direction. She has also taken direction from signals in her life – like creating an amazing show based on the 33 quilts she inherited from her mother and grandmother; presenting it a few times since March. Anjali just finished a fellowship at NYU where I had the good fortune to finally meet her in person as she shared her history in “Diary of a Black Ballerina.” (Anjali was a member of the famous Dance Theater of Harlem, led by Arthur Mitchell, and toured Europe and Russia in the late 1980’s).

Anjali accelerated the achievement of her hopes and dreams by staying focused and brave – she had those qualities before we met, and she continues to push forward with new goals and aspirations. We haven’t worked together since 2010, so I can’t wait to hear what she wants to pursue in the coming years and I’ll be right there beside her, proud as punch, as she achieves her goals.