What to do when you feel stuck!

In my wiser years (I won't call myself old YET!), I get to say that I've learned a lot from mistakes I've made, experiences I've had, and challenges I've overcome. I've read a lot of "self-help" books, and even written one.

I was asked a question recently and at the time I came up with something practical and referenced concepts from my book and my coaching techniques.  Now I'm going to try to answer it in a more thorough and thoughtful way.

Here's the question: "What do you do when you feel stuck?"

One of the definitions I found in google that matched the typical use of "stuck" showed:

• baffled, beaten, at a loss, at one's wits' end;
• informally - stumped, bogged down, flummoxed, fazed, bamboozled, as in "if you get stuck, leave a blank"

The sense I get when someone says they are "stuck" is that they are feeling frustrated and are at a crossroads of knowing and not knowing. "Do I do this or do I do that?" - sometimes not even sure what their choices are! Other times feeling stuck is being unable or afraid to make a decision or feeling the inability to take action in any direction. That's when the deadly "time-wasting" activities creep in.

In my book I write about procrastinating during a time when I was so overwhelmed by things on my plate that I didn't even know where to start. I was "stuck" in inactivity, not sure how to get out of the mood and mindset I was in that might ease my feelings and point to an obvious starting place.

At the time, my answer was to take a step back, assess what the heck was going on, and make a choice of starting SOMEWHERE!  I decided on one project, one hour of time, one tiny series of tasks to gain clarity and "move the ball down the field". When I was done I felt so much relief and excitement it gave me the momentum to keep going.

The answer to the original question, "How do I get un-stuck?", might sound like this:

What is ONE thing you could do today that would get you moving again?

And sometimes, ANY movement is better than NO movement. It airs out the congestion and gets your brain thinking functionally again.

In the grander scheme of things, in trying to find a way to get un-stuck, it helps to get really specific about what is causing that feeling; are you stuck about life in general, a relationship issue, a giant task that you can't figure out, or maybe a huge decision to make? Are there other people involved? What else is going on to compound the feelings?

This is the perfect time to try my "Five A Change Process". You'll go from Stuck to Action in no time.

1. Awareness: Get clarity! What are you stuck about?
Does it involve just you or others? Do you have an emotional attachment to one outcome or your energy gets drained when you even think about taking action? What are your obstacles? 

2. Accept responsibility to get yourself unstuck. No one else can do it for you. If you wait for things to improve or for someone else to make a change, you could be waiting forever! You also will be at the mercy of others instead of being in control.

3. Attitude is everything. Now that you are mentally in charge, let's get your mental mindset reframed to something positive. If you think something is impossible, it will be impossible! Turn it around. From, "I can't do it" to "I'll figure it out." From, "It's too complicated." to "I'm going to list ALL the steps and figure out where to start." You can do this! Find your motto, charge up the hill, make the change, and TACKLE instead of being "flummoxed"!

4. Assess your choices. You can do something, you can do nothing. Which will move you forward? If you do nothing, as we generally do when we are stuck, we put ourselves in Purgatory. Nothing can get better from there!
If you DID do something, what could that include? It's more than a Pros and Cons list, it's a possibilities list. Once you start writing, the ideas will begin to flow. You might need to talk it through with someone, as I prefer to do when I am stuck. Hearing the words you are forming, and getting feedback or ideas from someone else, is often the key to finding the best choices to choose from. From there you get to pick your first step.

5. Action always gets you moving. You can't be stuck if you are in action (but of course it has to be action toward the issue, not some mind-numbing, time-wasting action!). 
Plan your steps and then DO them! Where and when will you do them? (Studies show that you are much more likely to do them if you visualize where and when you will be when they are done).

These five words can "un-stick" anyone: Aware, Accept, Attitude, Assess, and Action.
Remember them, use them, and come back for a refresher if you need a reminder.

If you're having trouble on your own, get in touch. I'm here to help. Contact Monica!

Learn, Do, and Teach

I love to learn new concepts that will make my life better. And then I like to teach them.

I recently started a new coach training program based on the book, “Profit from the Positive”, by Margaret Greenberg and Senia Maymin, both executive coaches who hold a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Margaret is our instructor and 6 of us (mostly other coaches) are connected weekly on a virtual platform.

As we learn new material we are both requested and encouraged to teach others what we are learning – it has been proven that you learn the material much better if you learn, do and teach (my words for it). I have used this technique ever since I completed my first coaching class in 2006.

Learn, teach, do – or Learn, do and teach. Either way, the material gets to a deep level of consciousness for me. The more I do and teach, the more readily the material is accessible when I need it!

There is more than one way to absorb new material. I take tons of notes – when I’m reading the book and during our class. Then I review the notes and sometimes add to them. I think about the material and see if I can memorize any foundational material that is the key to using it. I practice using any tools that come up. I also talk about the material to others and use any new concepts or tools with clients asap.

For instance, in “Profit from the Positive”, the first chapter talks about the three common reasons for a loss in productivity – we are Overworked, we Multitask, and we Procrastinate. Well, if you know me, you know the theme procrastination has played in my life recently. I wrote a book that describes the STOP Syndrome: Stress, Tension, Overwhelm, and PROCRASTINATION! Procrastination is the trait that seeps into our lives and puts a halt on progress while making us feel “less-than”, shameful, guilty, and even depressed.

Non-procrastinators just don’t seem to understand. They say things like, “Just do It!” (I’ve told myself that very phrase more times than I can count). But it’s not just about “doing it”. We are not lazy. Our mind is telling us a million reasons why NOT doing it is so much better in this moment. Things like, “You don’t have time to do it all”, “It won’t work”, “It will be too hard”, or “I don’t know where to start.”

These are evil, confidence-killing phrases that take control of our mind and crush our productivity.

That leads me to the teaching part.

Dr Maymin and Greenberg offer great tools to shift your mindset and get you into action – and that’s just chapter one!

So take this Procrastination:

·         Just Plan It!

·         Trick yourself into getting started

·         Set habits, not just goals (BIG IDEA!)

·         Work less, accomplish more

I recently started with a new client, the day my class covered these 4 tools. I KNEW they would be perfect to share with her. After hearing about these four tools she immediately embraced the first and third tool. We planned out some strategies for the week, breaking a HUGE goal into tiny, achievable parts, and she texted twice in the first 2 days to tell me what she had already accomplished and how great it makes her feel.

She is doing! That is the key. She has broken the log jam of procrastination. I am doing more too!

THAT is a beautiful thing.

Learn, do, and teach. I completed the cycle in 24 hours! Now it’s your turn.

Read “Profit from the Positive” and pass it on!

PS. “Profit from the Positive” is a great book - a guide for business leaders, managers, executive coaches, and human resource professionals. I do not gain anything by having you buy this book – I just like to support authors who write great things!

What do you want more of?

When I get stuck or feel like life is not going the way I planned, I sometimes focus on the problem - my time is getting hijacked by external forces, I'm having trouble focusing, or I just don't feel like doing what I had planned for the day, etc. I look back on my day or my week and see how many ways I DIDN'T do what I "should have".

Thinking like this leads to a lot of negative self talk; beating myself up, getting aggravated by those external forces, wishing life was simpler, whatever. All this negative self talk is a sign. A sign that I'm not setting clear intentions and clear boundaries for myself and others. It might also be a sign that I'm asking too much of myself or others, that I have unrealistic expectations.

Let's try to re-frame the negative talk to a positive approach.

What do I want more of? I want more self-commitment and a clear path of action. I want more results. I want to make a list and stick to it. Did you notice I'm still beating myself up a little?

Try it this way: What brings you joy? What would make you really happy and excited, maybe even relieved? How can you boost your own morale and reward yourself for X, Y, or Z action? What can you do to start and end your day to get you in a good mindset? What kind of breaks can you take during the day that will allow you to move, clear the cobwebs, and refresh your body and soul? 

We are not Human Doings. We are Human Beings. Remember that. Be the person you want to be.

I love to celebrate with my clients.  We start our sessions with a win for the week. It's amazing how many times a person will say they don't have any wins, but then when they get started talking about it, they realize they made this good choice and that first step. They may not have done exactly what they said they would do but their brain found a way to take one step closer.

I am going to make mindful choices, celebrate more accomplishments, and focus on how great it feels when I get things done and stick to my plan!