Remember, Celebrate, and Have Hope

The gardens are blooming, the Patio is open, and We’re ready for visitors!

Life is moving forward while the challenges of 2020 are still on our minds. Many people have shared with me that they are feeling sad, discouraged, stuck, or even depressed. They’ve lost their MOJO after struggling through the last year. It’s not a simple thing to flip the switch and “just be happy.”  I think it takes a conscious effort to express what you are grateful for, take baby steps every day and celebrate them! It also takes mindfulness to turn down the negativity bias our brains are wired for, and instead seek out the positive.

I’ve realized that we can still honor the past while also enjoying and celebrating what is going on in the present and giving us hope for the future. Using my own life, here is an example…

Honor and Remember the Past
As we get used to this interim way of being we are still reminded of all we lost last year. I will remember 2020 for so much personal loss; my sister Grace (it’s her birthday as I am writing this), my father-in-law Russell, my cousin Bobby, my Aunt Lucy, and even my dog Celtie and my daughter’s dog, Gracie. I also had to give up my office and classroom where I could give workshops. No year has ever felt this overwhelmingly sad for me and so many around me all at once.

I can turn that loss into an inspiration to make each day count. I can also remember what went well, like the beautiful new patio and extended deck my husband and I built – all by ourselves. We also adjusted quickly, and without too many issues, to both working from home all day. It has given us a sneak peek into retirement, which is just around the corner. We’ve developed new habits and traditions, like lunching and gardening together during a workday and hosting Steve’s mom and my best friend Sheila for Friday night dinner and a movie.

Celebrate the Present

I was in Virginia this past weekend to celebrate not one, not two, but THREE special events for my family. My grandson Gabriel had his First Communion. Gabriel’s mom, Melissa, celebrated a birthday, and our granddaughter Charlotte turned 10! We celebrated all three with barbeques, a girls’ night out, and even a pool party for our family unit.

What a difference 5 months can make. This was the first time the 10 of us were together since Thanksgiving. We gathered with cautious optimism, dare I say HOPE, and a hint of the new way of BEING. Most of us are fully vaccinated or had at least one shot. We still wore masks at church and around town, used sanitizer, and kept our safe distance. Our girls’ night out was at an outdoor restaurant and a little different than it would have been, but the changes weren’t overwhelming.

Change is just that, a change from our “Old Normal” to our “New Normal.” And who knows how long this will last. The important thing is that we are excited and hopeful. We have done what we needed to do to stay safe, free from the virus, and mentally healthy as we’ve adjusted to life’s challenges.

Hope for the Future

I look around me and I am inspired and hopeful, both personally and professionally:

• My brother Johnny got married to Angela in Brazil, (Angela is Brazilian) and they made a safe return to South Carolina. I look forward to seeing them in person when the time is right.

• My sister’s daughter-in-law, Jen, had a heart transplant and then texted with me the next day!! All I can say is, “WOW!” Today’s technology and medicine is a miracle.

• Our grandkids will end the year with vaccinated parents and full-time in-person schooling. AND they are all registered for summer camp!

• I have clients in 5 states and Australia. (Technology is a wonderful thing!)

• I’m planning an IN-PERSON book club discussion with my networking group, making good use of the patio we built last year. What a joy that will be – to see everyone outside of their Zoom boxes!

I invite you to honor and remember all the amazing ways you coped through the last year, celebrate all the little and big wins in your life, and practice gratitude to boost your hope for the future. Find the positive path and share it with others.

Are You a Crocus or a Daffodil?

As I emerge from this long COVID winter, having kept myself safely isolated in our home for the most part, I’m noticing what’s happening in our garden. The crocuses are in full bloom and the daffodils are starting to emerge too.

I think about the crocus flower, so delicate and yet so brave to just throw itself up into the air, vulnerable to the weather. Some years they battle through the snow. Luckily, this year it was warm and sunny.

Daffodils on the other hand, emerge slowly and steadily, “testing the waters” and keeping their beautiful flower inside a protective bud that waits till the coast is clear. As I walk past a nearby home with 100 feet of daffodils lining the front fence, I notice that the daffodils with more sun are taller and the buds more mature. It’s showing me how important sunlight is to the flower’s development.

In some ways I am like a crocus. I throw myself into things that I am excited about, whether I know what I am doing or not, and before FEAR keeps me from changing my mind. It makes me completely vulnerable to whatever might happen. For example, I bid on a skydiving adventure fundraising prize for my daughter’s church and won it! When I’m brave enough to use this gift card, I’ll be vulnerable like a crocus hurtling myself out of a plane and flying through the air (with a parachute and a tandem guide).  “If George Bush can do it at 80, I can do it too!”, I keep telling myself. Unlike the crocus, I’m going to wait till summer when the air is warmer up there!

Most of the time, I’m more like a daffodil. My ideas brew underground, waiting for things to warm up. I test the waters, speaking to friends and colleagues about it, and eventually my ideas emerge above ground and get some sunlight. The more exposure to “sunlight”, the faster my idea matures and the sooner I take action on it.

When are you the crocus and when are you the daffodil?
How many ideas remain underground and never see the light of day?
What is your “sunlight”?

Enjoy playing with this metaphor as much as I have, and Happy Spring!

3 Keys to Managing Negative Inner Dialogue

We’ve all experienced times when our inner dialogue attempts to sabotage our confidence or goals. Negative self-talk can prevent us from achieving our true potential and can result in added stress or anxiety. But how do we overcome this?

Shirzad Chamine’s book, Positive Intelligence, shows us how to defeat our internal foes. Based on his research, his book discusses ten mental Saboteurs as well as ways to conquer them using the power of your mind.

I’d like to share the three keys that I am taking away from his research, his program, and the results people are getting, including myself. And I’m excited to announce that I am now a Positive Intelligence coach – with one more tool to add to my toolbelt!

These keys will help you manage your Inner Dialogue (the constant chatter our mind generates every minute, hour, and day).

Key #1: Recognize the Three Kinds of Inner Thoughts:

Positive, Negative, or Neutral

Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and are inspiring, curious, patient, and accepting to name just a few qualities.

Neutral thoughts are, essentially, facts. The sky is blue, the dog ate my homework, etc.

Negative thoughts are often generated from the fight-or-flight region of our brain and are the cause of much of our stress, anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, and more.

Here is an example using all three types of thoughts for the same situation:

• Negative: I’ll never get all this done today!! (Feeling panicky)

• Neutral: I have 10 things I’d like to do today. (Feeling neutral with a hint of acceptance)

• Positive: I will focus on getting these three main things done first and then evaluate what is next. (Feeling enthusiastic, ready to take charge, focused.)

You might get all 10 things accomplished from any of these perspectives, but the Negative thinking will leave you feeling exhausted for sure!

Key #2: You get to choose which channel to listen to

Raising your awareness to notice the internal running commentary is the first step to changing the channel! Would you rather listen to a doubting, nagging, perfection-seeking, drill sergeant or a compassionate and laser-focused voice that is curious, innovative, and motivated? Channel 2, please!

You know which channel you are listening to based on how you feel. The negative voice, such as your inner judge, is what causes you to feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. That same judge causes you to react negatively to yourself, others, and difficult situations as well. When we keep listening to this channel, we get more and more upset and stuck.

Once you’ve heard the negative message, acknowledge it and then change the channel.

Key #3: Practice will change your brain and bring more happiness and success

I was never much for meditating, and I’m still not an active practitioner – not really. What I’m doing is interrupting my Saboteur messages and finding a full assortment of ways to calm my thoughts and recenter myself; focused breathing is the easiest. There is a ton of research that proves that our minds are “trainable”, adaptable, and will physically change if we do meditative-like activities. Don’t you want to build a “Calm” muscle and weaken the “Panic” muscle?

When you hear the Saboteur thoughts in your mind, or feel increasingly negative, name it, and take 3 slow deep breaths. Concentrate on your breath. Feel the air as it flows into your nose and out. Put your hand on your belly and notice the rise and fall as you breathe in and out. Now, from that calmer place, decide which positive thoughts will guide you.

“I CAN do this!” “I will work on one project at a time.” I will break this project into many smaller steps.” “If I ask, instead of assuming, I’ll probably find the right answer.” “I have time to take a walk.”

Challenge: Apply this to your everyday life

Notice what you are thinking about.
If it is negative, name it, practice breathing, and change the channel.
Practice 5 new ways to look at a challenging situation each week. Here are a few prompts to help get you started.

·         What is the new opportunity here?

·         How can I approach the problem from a new perspective?

·         How can I add self-care and self-compassion into my day?

For 12 years I’ve been helping people go through the steps of noticing, naming, and shifting focus. Now I have a wonderful tool to offer you from your Smartphone as well. If you’d like to know more about the Positive Intelligence program and phone app, please contact me.

A Thirty-Minute Gift: Reward Yourself with a New Morning Routine

What would you do if you woke up 30-minutes early? Before the alarm. Before you NEED to get up? Would you go back to sleep or use it as a gift?

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!”
-          Rumi

I have heard of this quote for years, and if I ever wake up just a little before my alarm I consider staying up, but my Indulger usually gets the better of me and I choose to go back to sleep.

What can you do in thirty minutes that would be worth losing that little catnap? What would be a gift to you? What do you WANT to do with that time?

• Meditate, exercise, or journal?

• Take a leisurely shower?

• Get a “jump on your day”?

• Spend quality time with someone?

Your morning routine can set your day in motion with joy and ease or panic and chaos. You can be filled with confidence and clarity or anxiety and worry. You can enjoy connection with others or brush them off because you “don’t have time”.

The Perils of the Snooze Button

I set my alarm to wake me up with the radio, rather than a jarring alarm. Softly, slowly, I wake up to the jolly banter of my favorite radio team – Anna and Raven. If I time it right, I can listen to the “Couples Court”, where the radio audience helps to solve a couple’s dilemma (I think of this as research - did you know I coach couples?).

More often than not, this “routine” has turned into a delay tactic; the radio teases me with one entertaining bit after another. I really “should” be getting up and dressed, then going downstairs to say hi to my early-bird husband (who is at his computer by 6:30 am), make my breakfast, and then head to my home office.

I usually get to my first appointment of the day with little time to spare. I start the day feeling disappointed or undisciplined because I didn’t do what I said I would do this time – ease into my day and take a few minutes to gather my thoughts and plan out my morning. I’ve given my Inner Judge the opportunity it needs to berate me once again.

A Better Way to Launch Your Day

Every morning we have a choice – to wake up with the “secrets of the dawn” and use that extra time wisely, or we can let our Indulger keep hitting the snooze button and then suffer from our Judge telling us we screwed up again. Based on my years of coaching, there are at least 50% of my readers who wish they had a better morning routine.

I challenge you to rethink and rework your morning routine, designing it to launch your day with ease and flow. What do you want? What would make your day go more smoothly? What new habit would support you? It takes weeks to develop new habits, so declare what you want, celebrate the intermittent wins, and stick with it. Listen to your Wiser Self – Don’t go back to sleep!

Now if I would just go to bed 30 minutes earlier…

7 Steps to a New Morning Routine

We all yearn to improve our morning and evening routines in order to feel better about our day and to be more productive. How can we use our time wisely and even fit in some special reflection and prep time while also getting enough sleep?

I like to think of our routines as the framework that allows us to use our most effective mind, rather than trying to willpower or panic our way through the day. “I should” and “I have to” statements have built-in anxiety and judgement. If we say “I will follow this routine” (that I have created for myself), it gives us a feeling of being in control with a commitment to make it happen.

This lesson was drilled home to me a few years ago when I was babysitting for my grandkids. My daughter knew I like to sleep in, but she gently persuaded me to get up just 15 minutes before the kids so that I would be one step ahead of the “must do’s”; breakfast, getting dressed, back-packs, dogs out, bus pick-up, and daycare drop off.  All that happens in a mere 60 minutes! If I wasn’t dressed and ready to go when the kids got up, I would be driving in my pajamas!!

To avoid chaos and disappointment, let’s look at my seven steps to make our mornings calmer, beginning with the night before:

Step 1. Begin at night to prepare for the needs of your family and yourself.

• Prepare for your morning rush – whatever that might look like, (lunches made, papers ready, clothes decided on).

• Write out 3 things you will do tomorrow morning; a phone call, an email to write, or a meeting to prepare for. Determine your priorities for the day so you can jump right in without a decision to make. The best time to do this is in the late afternoon or evening while it is fresh in your mind. It makes it easier to get to sleep, too!

Step 2. Determine all the steps you want to fit into your morning routine, then decide the order, how long each will take, and what time you need to be done by. Throw out your old timeline and get tuned into what will work best for you. My list might include: hygiene, dressing, meditation/exercise, journaling, breakfast, talk to my husband, and “walk to work.” Imagine yourself doing each of these steps and determine the best order and location. Be careful for any “have-tos” that might sneak in.

• Bonus tip. Be realistic with how long things take.

Step 3. Once you determine your time to get up, subtract 8 hours and set your goal for lights out. Our body needs sleep and if we don’t oblige, it will fight back in ways that we can’t control.

Step 4. Write out your plan. I can’t say it enough. If the steps are clear, the mind will oblige.

Step 5. Be prepared for the Inner Critic that will throw out challenges for you. For instance, the Avoider or Hyper-Achiever in you might try to rationalize why today is not the day to start a new routine. Repeat after me, “I have time”, “I will make time”, “This will make my day so much better.”

Step 6. Track a few steps from your routine and what time they should be done by. If you’re really nerdy about it, you can make a chart and check off each step for a week or more to see how you’re doing. Example, I want to be done with my morning mediation and journal by 7:15 and down in the kitchen by 7:45.

Step 7. Do a daily mindset check-in. Are you proud of yourself for any progress you are making? Do you have compassion for yourself when you get behind? It is important to celebrate each win as you start building these habits. You’re actually building new gray matter in your brain, developing new neuropathways that will make it easier and easier to follow this routine.

Good luck and remember to let me know if you need any help or want to discuss what is working or not working for you.