Remember, Celebrate, and Have Hope

The gardens are blooming, the Patio is open, and We’re ready for visitors!

Life is moving forward while the challenges of 2020 are still on our minds. Many people have shared with me that they are feeling sad, discouraged, stuck, or even depressed. They’ve lost their MOJO after struggling through the last year. It’s not a simple thing to flip the switch and “just be happy.”  I think it takes a conscious effort to express what you are grateful for, take baby steps every day and celebrate them! It also takes mindfulness to turn down the negativity bias our brains are wired for, and instead seek out the positive.

I’ve realized that we can still honor the past while also enjoying and celebrating what is going on in the present and giving us hope for the future. Using my own life, here is an example…

Honor and Remember the Past
As we get used to this interim way of being we are still reminded of all we lost last year. I will remember 2020 for so much personal loss; my sister Grace (it’s her birthday as I am writing this), my father-in-law Russell, my cousin Bobby, my Aunt Lucy, and even my dog Celtie and my daughter’s dog, Gracie. I also had to give up my office and classroom where I could give workshops. No year has ever felt this overwhelmingly sad for me and so many around me all at once.

I can turn that loss into an inspiration to make each day count. I can also remember what went well, like the beautiful new patio and extended deck my husband and I built – all by ourselves. We also adjusted quickly, and without too many issues, to both working from home all day. It has given us a sneak peek into retirement, which is just around the corner. We’ve developed new habits and traditions, like lunching and gardening together during a workday and hosting Steve’s mom and my best friend Sheila for Friday night dinner and a movie.

Celebrate the Present

I was in Virginia this past weekend to celebrate not one, not two, but THREE special events for my family. My grandson Gabriel had his First Communion. Gabriel’s mom, Melissa, celebrated a birthday, and our granddaughter Charlotte turned 10! We celebrated all three with barbeques, a girls’ night out, and even a pool party for our family unit.

What a difference 5 months can make. This was the first time the 10 of us were together since Thanksgiving. We gathered with cautious optimism, dare I say HOPE, and a hint of the new way of BEING. Most of us are fully vaccinated or had at least one shot. We still wore masks at church and around town, used sanitizer, and kept our safe distance. Our girls’ night out was at an outdoor restaurant and a little different than it would have been, but the changes weren’t overwhelming.

Change is just that, a change from our “Old Normal” to our “New Normal.” And who knows how long this will last. The important thing is that we are excited and hopeful. We have done what we needed to do to stay safe, free from the virus, and mentally healthy as we’ve adjusted to life’s challenges.

Hope for the Future

I look around me and I am inspired and hopeful, both personally and professionally:

• My brother Johnny got married to Angela in Brazil, (Angela is Brazilian) and they made a safe return to South Carolina. I look forward to seeing them in person when the time is right.

• My sister’s daughter-in-law, Jen, had a heart transplant and then texted with me the next day!! All I can say is, “WOW!” Today’s technology and medicine is a miracle.

• Our grandkids will end the year with vaccinated parents and full-time in-person schooling. AND they are all registered for summer camp!

• I have clients in 5 states and Australia. (Technology is a wonderful thing!)

• I’m planning an IN-PERSON book club discussion with my networking group, making good use of the patio we built last year. What a joy that will be – to see everyone outside of their Zoom boxes!

I invite you to honor and remember all the amazing ways you coped through the last year, celebrate all the little and big wins in your life, and practice gratitude to boost your hope for the future. Find the positive path and share it with others.

Are You a Crocus or a Daffodil?

As I emerge from this long COVID winter, having kept myself safely isolated in our home for the most part, I’m noticing what’s happening in our garden. The crocuses are in full bloom and the daffodils are starting to emerge too.

I think about the crocus flower, so delicate and yet so brave to just throw itself up into the air, vulnerable to the weather. Some years they battle through the snow. Luckily, this year it was warm and sunny.

Daffodils on the other hand, emerge slowly and steadily, “testing the waters” and keeping their beautiful flower inside a protective bud that waits till the coast is clear. As I walk past a nearby home with 100 feet of daffodils lining the front fence, I notice that the daffodils with more sun are taller and the buds more mature. It’s showing me how important sunlight is to the flower’s development.

In some ways I am like a crocus. I throw myself into things that I am excited about, whether I know what I am doing or not, and before FEAR keeps me from changing my mind. It makes me completely vulnerable to whatever might happen. For example, I bid on a skydiving adventure fundraising prize for my daughter’s church and won it! When I’m brave enough to use this gift card, I’ll be vulnerable like a crocus hurtling myself out of a plane and flying through the air (with a parachute and a tandem guide).  “If George Bush can do it at 80, I can do it too!”, I keep telling myself. Unlike the crocus, I’m going to wait till summer when the air is warmer up there!

Most of the time, I’m more like a daffodil. My ideas brew underground, waiting for things to warm up. I test the waters, speaking to friends and colleagues about it, and eventually my ideas emerge above ground and get some sunlight. The more exposure to “sunlight”, the faster my idea matures and the sooner I take action on it.

When are you the crocus and when are you the daffodil?
How many ideas remain underground and never see the light of day?
What is your “sunlight”?

Enjoy playing with this metaphor as much as I have, and Happy Spring!

3 Keys to Managing Negative Inner Dialogue

We’ve all experienced times when our inner dialogue attempts to sabotage our confidence or goals. Negative self-talk can prevent us from achieving our true potential and can result in added stress or anxiety. But how do we overcome this?

Shirzad Chamine’s book, Positive Intelligence, shows us how to defeat our internal foes. Based on his research, his book discusses ten mental Saboteurs as well as ways to conquer them using the power of your mind.

I’d like to share the three keys that I am taking away from his research, his program, and the results people are getting, including myself. And I’m excited to announce that I am now a Positive Intelligence coach – with one more tool to add to my toolbelt!

These keys will help you manage your Inner Dialogue (the constant chatter our mind generates every minute, hour, and day).

Key #1: Recognize the Three Kinds of Inner Thoughts:

Positive, Negative, or Neutral

Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and are inspiring, curious, patient, and accepting to name just a few qualities.

Neutral thoughts are, essentially, facts. The sky is blue, the dog ate my homework, etc.

Negative thoughts are often generated from the fight-or-flight region of our brain and are the cause of much of our stress, anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, and more.

Here is an example using all three types of thoughts for the same situation:

• Negative: I’ll never get all this done today!! (Feeling panicky)

• Neutral: I have 10 things I’d like to do today. (Feeling neutral with a hint of acceptance)

• Positive: I will focus on getting these three main things done first and then evaluate what is next. (Feeling enthusiastic, ready to take charge, focused.)

You might get all 10 things accomplished from any of these perspectives, but the Negative thinking will leave you feeling exhausted for sure!

Key #2: You get to choose which channel to listen to

Raising your awareness to notice the internal running commentary is the first step to changing the channel! Would you rather listen to a doubting, nagging, perfection-seeking, drill sergeant or a compassionate and laser-focused voice that is curious, innovative, and motivated? Channel 2, please!

You know which channel you are listening to based on how you feel. The negative voice, such as your inner judge, is what causes you to feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and drained. That same judge causes you to react negatively to yourself, others, and difficult situations as well. When we keep listening to this channel, we get more and more upset and stuck.

Once you’ve heard the negative message, acknowledge it and then change the channel.

Key #3: Practice will change your brain and bring more happiness and success

I was never much for meditating, and I’m still not an active practitioner – not really. What I’m doing is interrupting my Saboteur messages and finding a full assortment of ways to calm my thoughts and recenter myself; focused breathing is the easiest. There is a ton of research that proves that our minds are “trainable”, adaptable, and will physically change if we do meditative-like activities. Don’t you want to build a “Calm” muscle and weaken the “Panic” muscle?

When you hear the Saboteur thoughts in your mind, or feel increasingly negative, name it, and take 3 slow deep breaths. Concentrate on your breath. Feel the air as it flows into your nose and out. Put your hand on your belly and notice the rise and fall as you breathe in and out. Now, from that calmer place, decide which positive thoughts will guide you.

“I CAN do this!” “I will work on one project at a time.” I will break this project into many smaller steps.” “If I ask, instead of assuming, I’ll probably find the right answer.” “I have time to take a walk.”

Challenge: Apply this to your everyday life

Notice what you are thinking about.
If it is negative, name it, practice breathing, and change the channel.
Practice 5 new ways to look at a challenging situation each week. Here are a few prompts to help get you started.

·         What is the new opportunity here?

·         How can I approach the problem from a new perspective?

·         How can I add self-care and self-compassion into my day?

For 12 years I’ve been helping people go through the steps of noticing, naming, and shifting focus. Now I have a wonderful tool to offer you from your Smartphone as well. If you’d like to know more about the Positive Intelligence program and phone app, please contact me.

A Thirty-Minute Gift: Reward Yourself with a New Morning Routine

What would you do if you woke up 30-minutes early? Before the alarm. Before you NEED to get up? Would you go back to sleep or use it as a gift?

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!”
-          Rumi

I have heard of this quote for years, and if I ever wake up just a little before my alarm I consider staying up, but my Indulger usually gets the better of me and I choose to go back to sleep.

What can you do in thirty minutes that would be worth losing that little catnap? What would be a gift to you? What do you WANT to do with that time?

• Meditate, exercise, or journal?

• Take a leisurely shower?

• Get a “jump on your day”?

• Spend quality time with someone?

Your morning routine can set your day in motion with joy and ease or panic and chaos. You can be filled with confidence and clarity or anxiety and worry. You can enjoy connection with others or brush them off because you “don’t have time”.

The Perils of the Snooze Button

I set my alarm to wake me up with the radio, rather than a jarring alarm. Softly, slowly, I wake up to the jolly banter of my favorite radio team – Anna and Raven. If I time it right, I can listen to the “Couples Court”, where the radio audience helps to solve a couple’s dilemma (I think of this as research - did you know I coach couples?).

More often than not, this “routine” has turned into a delay tactic; the radio teases me with one entertaining bit after another. I really “should” be getting up and dressed, then going downstairs to say hi to my early-bird husband (who is at his computer by 6:30 am), make my breakfast, and then head to my home office.

I usually get to my first appointment of the day with little time to spare. I start the day feeling disappointed or undisciplined because I didn’t do what I said I would do this time – ease into my day and take a few minutes to gather my thoughts and plan out my morning. I’ve given my Inner Judge the opportunity it needs to berate me once again.

A Better Way to Launch Your Day

Every morning we have a choice – to wake up with the “secrets of the dawn” and use that extra time wisely, or we can let our Indulger keep hitting the snooze button and then suffer from our Judge telling us we screwed up again. Based on my years of coaching, there are at least 50% of my readers who wish they had a better morning routine.

I challenge you to rethink and rework your morning routine, designing it to launch your day with ease and flow. What do you want? What would make your day go more smoothly? What new habit would support you? It takes weeks to develop new habits, so declare what you want, celebrate the intermittent wins, and stick with it. Listen to your Wiser Self – Don’t go back to sleep!

Now if I would just go to bed 30 minutes earlier…

7 Steps to a New Morning Routine

We all yearn to improve our morning and evening routines in order to feel better about our day and to be more productive. How can we use our time wisely and even fit in some special reflection and prep time while also getting enough sleep?

I like to think of our routines as the framework that allows us to use our most effective mind, rather than trying to willpower or panic our way through the day. “I should” and “I have to” statements have built-in anxiety and judgement. If we say “I will follow this routine” (that I have created for myself), it gives us a feeling of being in control with a commitment to make it happen.

This lesson was drilled home to me a few years ago when I was babysitting for my grandkids. My daughter knew I like to sleep in, but she gently persuaded me to get up just 15 minutes before the kids so that I would be one step ahead of the “must do’s”; breakfast, getting dressed, back-packs, dogs out, bus pick-up, and daycare drop off.  All that happens in a mere 60 minutes! If I wasn’t dressed and ready to go when the kids got up, I would be driving in my pajamas!!

To avoid chaos and disappointment, let’s look at my seven steps to make our mornings calmer, beginning with the night before:

Step 1. Begin at night to prepare for the needs of your family and yourself.

• Prepare for your morning rush – whatever that might look like, (lunches made, papers ready, clothes decided on).

• Write out 3 things you will do tomorrow morning; a phone call, an email to write, or a meeting to prepare for. Determine your priorities for the day so you can jump right in without a decision to make. The best time to do this is in the late afternoon or evening while it is fresh in your mind. It makes it easier to get to sleep, too!

Step 2. Determine all the steps you want to fit into your morning routine, then decide the order, how long each will take, and what time you need to be done by. Throw out your old timeline and get tuned into what will work best for you. My list might include: hygiene, dressing, meditation/exercise, journaling, breakfast, talk to my husband, and “walk to work.” Imagine yourself doing each of these steps and determine the best order and location. Be careful for any “have-tos” that might sneak in.

• Bonus tip. Be realistic with how long things take.

Step 3. Once you determine your time to get up, subtract 8 hours and set your goal for lights out. Our body needs sleep and if we don’t oblige, it will fight back in ways that we can’t control.

Step 4. Write out your plan. I can’t say it enough. If the steps are clear, the mind will oblige.

Step 5. Be prepared for the Inner Critic that will throw out challenges for you. For instance, the Avoider or Hyper-Achiever in you might try to rationalize why today is not the day to start a new routine. Repeat after me, “I have time”, “I will make time”, “This will make my day so much better.”

Step 6. Track a few steps from your routine and what time they should be done by. If you’re really nerdy about it, you can make a chart and check off each step for a week or more to see how you’re doing. Example, I want to be done with my morning mediation and journal by 7:15 and down in the kitchen by 7:45.

Step 7. Do a daily mindset check-in. Are you proud of yourself for any progress you are making? Do you have compassion for yourself when you get behind? It is important to celebrate each win as you start building these habits. You’re actually building new gray matter in your brain, developing new neuropathways that will make it easier and easier to follow this routine.

Good luck and remember to let me know if you need any help or want to discuss what is working or not working for you.

Release and Invite In for 2021

Part Two of the End-of-Year Ritual: Release and Invite In 

In my last newsletter, I wrote about taking time to celebrate wins. The second half of my annual end-of-year ritual is to evaluate what you want to let go of and what you’d like to invite into your life. There are so many things, situations, habits, and emotions that might come to mind for 2020; the obvious and the not-so-obvious.

Remind yourself what was draining for you this year. What isn’t working for you anymore? What do you want to let go of? What relationships have become toxic? What habits and limiting beliefs are standing in your way? As you metaphorically or literally let go, you make room in your heart and in your life, for more.

It’s up to you to decide what to invite in, otherwise, stuff might just show up to fill that space and it might not be what you want! What energy, emotions, or characteristics do you want to invite in – some new way of being? What situations, projects, people, or exciting next steps do you want to pursue? What do you want your life to look like? Do your best to identify what is most meaningful to you.

The bottom line: let go of what is not serving you and mindfully invite in what you want! Then do everything you can to make that happen.

The evaluation process to celebrate, let go, and invite in with intention takes time and thought, so don’t rush through it like some dreaded chore. Honor the process and honor yourself. Block out some focused time, limit possible distractions, and make it a ritual. Contact me if you’d like a worksheet for this.

To set the tone, you might do some of the following: set the right atmosphere with candles or music, write on special paper or in your favorite journal, start with some meditation or slow deep breathing, and then write down all that comes to you for each category without trying to make it perfect. I also encourage you to WRITE it down rather than just think about it. Swimming thoughts in your head are much harder to capture and mold into an intention.

My wish for you is more joy, ease, and flow, in your life. I wish that you’re able to have fun dreaming, exploring, planning, collaborating. All of that will lead to taking new steps and experiencing new results.

Check out the blog post written by my friend, Ele Dootson, which gives more suggestions about how to make this process special. Burning Bowl Ritual to Release and Invite In.              

Burning Bowl Ceremony: Releasing 2020 and Inviting in 2021

I’ve asked a dear friend of mine, Ele Dootson, to write this post. She is a Life Coach and owner of Radiant Light Coaching.
The ‘“burning bowl “ ceremony can be a powerful way to bring completion to 2020 and to transition to 2021 with mindful intention and peace.

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I think we can all agree that 2020 was a year of unprecedented fear, uncertainty, and loss. It has been an opportunity to dig deep and stretch ourselves in our journey of personal growth and to practice resiliency. We have been learning to pivot in order to adjust to this new climate and find new ways of being with ourselves and others. New Years is often a time when we reflect on the past year and look forward to what we wish the new year to be. Creating a mindful space for a burning bowl ceremony allows us to release the past and invite in what we wish to manifest.

Across many spiritual traditions, fire is a powerful symbol of wisdom, knowledge, passion, purification, transformation, divinity, and light.  Fire inflames, consumes, inspires, illuminates, warms and serves as a catalyst for change.  Native Americans saw smoke as a symbol and pathway to send and release thoughts and prayers to the Great Spirit. 

There is freedom in releasing and letting go.  It’s a form of surrender to that which is greater.  Forgiveness is an example of truly releasing, i.e. “For giving freedom to all!”  Releasing what no longer serves, makes room for the desires of the heart and soul. 

The burning bowl ritual focuses on what wants/needs to be released from the past, to free up the present moment, and be intentional in the invitation of what we truly want and what wants to emerge as we pave the pathway into the future.  It honors our awareness of what needs to change in our lives so that we can realize a higher potential in ourselves and our experience.  

You may follow this practice by yourself or in a group. It is very powerful to share this ceremony with a group of trusted friends, family, or a special group you are connected to on an authentic level. 

The Ritual:

Things you will need to have ready:

• Paper strips or Flying Wishing Paper*

• Pen

• A safe place to burn the paper – brass or glass bowl, a fire place, or outdoor fire pit

• Matches

• Sage or sweetgrass optional

1.      Setting the tone: Find a quiet place to be thoughtful in meditation/contemplation.  Settle in, get in a comfortable position to relax and be grounded. Open your mind to what you want to release from 2020 and invite in for 2021. ​ A few ways to get grounded are deep breathing, alternate nostril breathing*, and saying a Mantra as you breathe*.

2.      Gratitude:  Allow yourself to quiet your mind and begin to focus on what you are grateful for.  Celebrate and give thanks for all that you are grateful for in your life. 

3.      Acknowledge what is ready to release: When your heart is open and your mind is calm, write on a piece of paper the specific things, emotions, limiting thinking, habits, behaviors, people, etc. that you know it’s time to release. The act of writing it down is a humble acknowledgment and truth-telling, the key to true surrender and release.

•      What are you ready to let go of? 

•      What keeps you from having the experience you want to have?     

4.      Let go: In a safe way, offer this paper into the fire (Please use a fire-safe bowl, pit, fireplace, outdoor candle, etc.).  Sometimes people also put sage or sweetgrass into the fire along with the paper, as a form of cleansing, as ancient cultures have done to purify. As the papers burn, imagine that you are being released and freed from that which has bound you or held you back.  You may say out loud an affirmation such as “I forgive and release everything and everyone from the past and present that no longer serves, for the highest good for all involved, offering freedom and peace.” Or “Into this smoke, I release all energies that do not serve me, all negativity that surrounds me and all fears that limit me. So it is.” Rub your hands together for a final release of the attachment that you just let go of.

5.      Inviting in, New intentions:  Make a new list of what you are inviting in to move forward into the next phase of your life.  Invite in what you want to create, manifest, and experience in this next phase.  The sky’s the limit!  Take a leap of faith and follow your bliss! Write those items or experiences onto pieces of paper.

•      What do you want? 

•      What else does your heart yearn for that wasn’t allowed or was held back by fear 

6.      Release:   Again, put the paper into the fire and allow it to be released to that which is greater; trust in setting the intention and letting it go calls forth the support of the Universe. As you burn each intention you can say “I am inviting in ______”

7.      Take inspired action and bless the process:  Make a list of that which is within your reach and ability to take action on that serves in moving you towards your intentions. This is your work.  Finally, give thanks and gratitude for the process, honoring the great mystery that partners with you, and blessing your part in realizing what it is you want. 

Options for setting the tone

* Try a Kundalini and Hatha Yoga Alternate Nostril breathing exercise.​ This practice is an excellent way to let go of worries at the end of the day and to calm down the mind​. Inhaling through the left nostril helps to allow new perspectives, allowing you to reset your framework of thinking​. Exhaling through the right nostril relaxes the constant chatter in your brain and helps break autonomic patterns​. Alternate nostril breathing establishes emotional balance and calmness​.

Alternate nostril breathing instructions:

• Close your eyes, looking gently up to focus on the Brow Point.​

• Use the right thumb and right (pinkie) to close off alternate nostrils. ​

• Close off the right nostril with the right thumb. Inhale slowly and deeply through the left nostril. When the breath is full, switch nostrils

• Close off the left nostril with the little finger, and exhale slowly and fully through the right​ nostril. ​

• The breath is smooth, complete, and continuous​

• Continue with long deep and even breaths for 3 minutes 

*You can add a Mantra if you choose. You can use any two words that have meaning for you. Use the same words for the entire practice.​ Some possible examples are:​

• inhale peace - exhale love,

• inhale light - exhale darkness,​

• inhale gratitude - exhale happiness
  

Note:  I discovered Wishing Paper, which is a special paper that is safe to burn indoors.  You can write on it, roll it up (as described in the instructions), light it, and as it ignites, it flies up in the air and instantly turns into a single ash that falls down in one piece completely free from embers.  You can find these online or in specialty or novelty stores.   

Ele Dootson, ACC, is a Transformational Life Coach and owner of Radiant Light Coaching. Ele approaches coaching from a place of courage, compassion, empathy, and vulnerability which allows her to create strong partnerships with her clients. Ele empowers individuals to access their inner wisdom and power to create a life of courage, confidence and choice. Many of her clients are Highly Sensitive People who discover how to move from surviving to thriving, from overwhelm to calm, and to create intentions, choices, and actions that are in alignment with their authentic self in order to live life fully, purposefully, and vibrantly!

Mindful Celebration

2020 is almost over! Many of us looked at this year with such promise; we all had high hopes for “2020 vision” coming from this unique year. Boy, were we surprised and even frightened by what actually showed up! And perhaps, just perhaps, if we look through a special lens, we can see that we gained 2020 vision from an unexpected source.

Did you get new awareness about what is really important to you?
Did you find new ways and new opportunities to connect with people?
Did you take on a new challenge or two (like Zoom!) or stretch your comfort zone?
What new thing did you learn about yourself, your loved ones, or the world around you?

Despite all the challenges, sadness, conflict, and strife caused by COVID and the conflict in the country, I would like to propose that we mindfully and consciously celebrate the ways we have not only survived but thrived in 2020. We’ve gained new appreciation for things we used to take for granted.

If you put on a “positive thoughts only” lens, what comes to mind when you read these questions?
What energized you this year?
What would you consider a big win, a medium win, and even a few little wins?
Where are you gaining momentum? What direction are you heading?

I use these questions to take note of what I want to celebrate. It’s like looking at a range of mountains and noticing only the well-lit peaks. Acknowledging and celebrating what is working well inspires me to repeat or build on those things. Allow me to share a little…

My big business win, besides relaunching my newsletter, was taking a few really great training programs; Coach Mentor Certification and Positive Intelligence. I chose them so that I could serve my clients in all new ways but I think I have benefited from them in both personal and professional ways that I didn’t expect. The Positive Intelligence course allows me to offer my clients a fantastic new process to build their mental fitness – finding positive ways to reframe and overcome challenges. Little did I know I would go through such huge losses this fall, and I used the tools of mental fitness to help me stay inspired, motivated, and passionate about my life and my work. I’ll be offering my own course to the public in January.

A personal big win was the beautiful patio that my husband and I built. We spent many hours planning, measuring, digging, and laying stone and pavers. We’ve never done a physical-labor project together from start to finish and it proved to be a successful partnership. (like our 40-year marriage!)

Smaller wins included saving money on gas, focusing on my writing again, getting a little more organized, and becoming a bit of a Zoom expert.

When I think of what energized me, I have to mention that I worked on Election Day as a Poll worker for the very first time and was “thanked for my service” by many people. I thoroughly enjoyed the 15-hour day and met wonderful people (and only one challenger) in the process. After months of seeing so few people in person, it was an extroverted person’s dream day!

I’ve shared with you some of my list of wins and energizers – now it’s your turn.

Take out a journal, a notebook, or a fresh document in your computer and start celebrating your wins, your energizers, the new things you learned, and the ways your life is building momentum. What do you have new appreciation for? What do you want to do more of? This is the first step in creating a plan for 2021.

Watch for the second half of this article in a few weeks. You’ll get to consciously release what didn’t serve you and calmly and mindfully invite into your life what is meaningful and treasured. I might just include a video of me demonstrating this exercise!! (Can we say S-T-R-E-T-C-H?)

Are You Avoiding the BIG THINGS? What are you doing instead?

In my last post I talked about avoiding – putting off some sort of task, conversation, or decision – due to a variety of reasons. This time I want to dig a little deeper into what we tend to do instead of the Big Things. I say “we” because I am a classic recovering Avoider so I am very familiar with the Avoider’s mindset!

Sometimes the Big Thing is something we know very well – like doing our taxes, getting a physical, or preparing a presentation. Other times the Big Thing is an unfulfilled dream; to finally start a business, to de-clutter the entire house, or to find life balance. The mindset of avoidance might keep us from doing anything BUT that Big Thing that would be a huge relief or a big win. Let’s call them Default Tasks.

These default tasks fall into five categories: Easy Wins, Distractions, The Predictable, The Mundane, and the Right Channel, Wrong Task. Start paying attention to which categories you spend your time in.

Easy wins are all relative to the doer. What I consider easy might be painful for someone else. (I LOVE to balance my checkbook!) What they have in common is that they may only take a few minutes and require little effort. They don’t take up a lot of mental space for you and they’ll allow you to cross something off your list. “I need to do this anyway, so why don’t I just do it first to get it out of the way?” The problem is that, if you’re not careful, easy wins can take up some of your best chunks of time.

Distractions are often time wasters that cause you to lose focus. They may start off as a task but keep your attention for way too long. (Example – social media and emails). Distractions might also be your surroundings, the people in your life, or current events. They lure your attention away and break down your willpower to work on that one Big Thing. Distractions may also include food or other alternatives we choose to soothe the anxiety of not doing the Big Thing. (That’s a whole other topic!)

The Predictable are things that you KNOW – what to do, how long it will take, and what the probable outcome will be. These things are most likely tasks that you’re really good at. They might be similar to easy wins but may not even be on your to-do list and will help you rationalize why you don’t have time for the Big Thing.

The Mundane are daily chores or tasks that are like a constant wave – you never get completely ahead. Do you suddenly start doing laundry, cleaning the fridge, or walking your pet to avoid what you “should” be doing? My house is never cleaner than when I have a Big Thing to do.

Right Channel, Wrong Task. Sometimes we choose a task that is in the right channel, but the wrong target. Do you call your favorite work colleague for no reason instead of having a pointed conversation that is really pressing on you? Do you work on Project A instead of B, which needs more pressing attention?

Sometimes we get started on a long-term Big Thing and then lose focus or willpower. Have you committed to “getting healthy” and started an exercise regimen only to see it wane after a few weeks or months? Have you started a business plan or looked into a new certification but then never followed through?

The alternatives to working on our Big Thing are part of our everyday life. It is often normal to be doing the alternatives, just not helpful! The key to achieving the Big Things is to prioritize them, commit to them, set boundaries around the alternatives, and do ONE Big Thing at a time.

If you need a little help, let me know. In my next post I’ll share some other strategies to get into action around your Big Things.