A Thirty-Minute Gift: Reward Yourself with a New Morning Routine

What would you do if you woke up 30-minutes early? Before the alarm. Before you NEED to get up? Would you go back to sleep or use it as a gift?

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!”
-          Rumi

I have heard of this quote for years, and if I ever wake up just a little before my alarm I consider staying up, but my Indulger usually gets the better of me and I choose to go back to sleep.

What can you do in thirty minutes that would be worth losing that little catnap? What would be a gift to you? What do you WANT to do with that time?

• Meditate, exercise, or journal?

• Take a leisurely shower?

• Get a “jump on your day”?

• Spend quality time with someone?

Your morning routine can set your day in motion with joy and ease or panic and chaos. You can be filled with confidence and clarity or anxiety and worry. You can enjoy connection with others or brush them off because you “don’t have time”.

The Perils of the Snooze Button

I set my alarm to wake me up with the radio, rather than a jarring alarm. Softly, slowly, I wake up to the jolly banter of my favorite radio team – Anna and Raven. If I time it right, I can listen to the “Couples Court”, where the radio audience helps to solve a couple’s dilemma (I think of this as research - did you know I coach couples?).

More often than not, this “routine” has turned into a delay tactic; the radio teases me with one entertaining bit after another. I really “should” be getting up and dressed, then going downstairs to say hi to my early-bird husband (who is at his computer by 6:30 am), make my breakfast, and then head to my home office.

I usually get to my first appointment of the day with little time to spare. I start the day feeling disappointed or undisciplined because I didn’t do what I said I would do this time – ease into my day and take a few minutes to gather my thoughts and plan out my morning. I’ve given my Inner Judge the opportunity it needs to berate me once again.

A Better Way to Launch Your Day

Every morning we have a choice – to wake up with the “secrets of the dawn” and use that extra time wisely, or we can let our Indulger keep hitting the snooze button and then suffer from our Judge telling us we screwed up again. Based on my years of coaching, there are at least 50% of my readers who wish they had a better morning routine.

I challenge you to rethink and rework your morning routine, designing it to launch your day with ease and flow. What do you want? What would make your day go more smoothly? What new habit would support you? It takes weeks to develop new habits, so declare what you want, celebrate the intermittent wins, and stick with it. Listen to your Wiser Self – Don’t go back to sleep!

Now if I would just go to bed 30 minutes earlier…

The Emotion of a clean slate

How do you tend to feel as you head into a new year? Are you excited to see what 2021 will bring, ready to roll up your sleeves and create a plan full of fun ideas and logical next steps in your life? Or are you like the many who approach it from a “fix things” perspective. Do you start with “I should” or do you start with “I will”?

Take a closer look at how you talk to yourself:

“I didn’t do enough to lose weight, get ahead, declutter, etc.”

“I have to complete X, Y, and Z before I can get to what I really want.”

We judge ourselves, our lives, our circumstances and try to push our way through life. And when we get brave enough to declare a goal that is meaningful, we often talk ourselves out of it. “I really want to ________, but I can’t.”

Here are some new ways of approaching this “clean slate”…

Questions to reflect on:

• What went well in 2020? What did you learn, what did you enjoy, who inspired you, what motivates you?

• What do you want?

• If each area of your life was a 10, what would that look like? What would you be doing? Who would you be?

• How do you want to connect with life and with others in your life?

Three steps to take to have a great year:

1. Pick a few areas of your life that you’d like to focus on in the next 3 months, paint a picture of what you want to create, and then embrace this clean slate with joy and an exploring and open heart. You can create a vision board, or make a list of outcomes you’d like to achieve and then break them down into separate baby steps – your new goals for 2021.

2. Focus on the habits that will support the goals that you’ve now decided are important to you.

3. Let the wise, knowing, confident part of you stay in charge of your thinking. When you meet an obstacle, know that you’ll figure it out and keep going. “I can do this!”

If you follow these three steps, all from a mindset of self-acceptance, exploration, creativity, and passion, you’ll have a great year. Act on this with consistency and if you need any help, I'm here to support you.

Release and Invite In for 2021

Part Two of the End-of-Year Ritual: Release and Invite In 

In my last newsletter, I wrote about taking time to celebrate wins. The second half of my annual end-of-year ritual is to evaluate what you want to let go of and what you’d like to invite into your life. There are so many things, situations, habits, and emotions that might come to mind for 2020; the obvious and the not-so-obvious.

Remind yourself what was draining for you this year. What isn’t working for you anymore? What do you want to let go of? What relationships have become toxic? What habits and limiting beliefs are standing in your way? As you metaphorically or literally let go, you make room in your heart and in your life, for more.

It’s up to you to decide what to invite in, otherwise, stuff might just show up to fill that space and it might not be what you want! What energy, emotions, or characteristics do you want to invite in – some new way of being? What situations, projects, people, or exciting next steps do you want to pursue? What do you want your life to look like? Do your best to identify what is most meaningful to you.

The bottom line: let go of what is not serving you and mindfully invite in what you want! Then do everything you can to make that happen.

The evaluation process to celebrate, let go, and invite in with intention takes time and thought, so don’t rush through it like some dreaded chore. Honor the process and honor yourself. Block out some focused time, limit possible distractions, and make it a ritual. Contact me if you’d like a worksheet for this.

To set the tone, you might do some of the following: set the right atmosphere with candles or music, write on special paper or in your favorite journal, start with some meditation or slow deep breathing, and then write down all that comes to you for each category without trying to make it perfect. I also encourage you to WRITE it down rather than just think about it. Swimming thoughts in your head are much harder to capture and mold into an intention.

My wish for you is more joy, ease, and flow, in your life. I wish that you’re able to have fun dreaming, exploring, planning, collaborating. All of that will lead to taking new steps and experiencing new results.

Check out the blog post written by my friend, Ele Dootson, which gives more suggestions about how to make this process special. Burning Bowl Ritual to Release and Invite In.              

Are You Avoiding the BIG THINGS? What are you doing instead?

In my last post I talked about avoiding – putting off some sort of task, conversation, or decision – due to a variety of reasons. This time I want to dig a little deeper into what we tend to do instead of the Big Things. I say “we” because I am a classic recovering Avoider so I am very familiar with the Avoider’s mindset!

Sometimes the Big Thing is something we know very well – like doing our taxes, getting a physical, or preparing a presentation. Other times the Big Thing is an unfulfilled dream; to finally start a business, to de-clutter the entire house, or to find life balance. The mindset of avoidance might keep us from doing anything BUT that Big Thing that would be a huge relief or a big win. Let’s call them Default Tasks.

These default tasks fall into five categories: Easy Wins, Distractions, The Predictable, The Mundane, and the Right Channel, Wrong Task. Start paying attention to which categories you spend your time in.

Easy wins are all relative to the doer. What I consider easy might be painful for someone else. (I LOVE to balance my checkbook!) What they have in common is that they may only take a few minutes and require little effort. They don’t take up a lot of mental space for you and they’ll allow you to cross something off your list. “I need to do this anyway, so why don’t I just do it first to get it out of the way?” The problem is that, if you’re not careful, easy wins can take up some of your best chunks of time.

Distractions are often time wasters that cause you to lose focus. They may start off as a task but keep your attention for way too long. (Example – social media and emails). Distractions might also be your surroundings, the people in your life, or current events. They lure your attention away and break down your willpower to work on that one Big Thing. Distractions may also include food or other alternatives we choose to soothe the anxiety of not doing the Big Thing. (That’s a whole other topic!)

The Predictable are things that you KNOW – what to do, how long it will take, and what the probable outcome will be. These things are most likely tasks that you’re really good at. They might be similar to easy wins but may not even be on your to-do list and will help you rationalize why you don’t have time for the Big Thing.

The Mundane are daily chores or tasks that are like a constant wave – you never get completely ahead. Do you suddenly start doing laundry, cleaning the fridge, or walking your pet to avoid what you “should” be doing? My house is never cleaner than when I have a Big Thing to do.

Right Channel, Wrong Task. Sometimes we choose a task that is in the right channel, but the wrong target. Do you call your favorite work colleague for no reason instead of having a pointed conversation that is really pressing on you? Do you work on Project A instead of B, which needs more pressing attention?

Sometimes we get started on a long-term Big Thing and then lose focus or willpower. Have you committed to “getting healthy” and started an exercise regimen only to see it wane after a few weeks or months? Have you started a business plan or looked into a new certification but then never followed through?

The alternatives to working on our Big Thing are part of our everyday life. It is often normal to be doing the alternatives, just not helpful! The key to achieving the Big Things is to prioritize them, commit to them, set boundaries around the alternatives, and do ONE Big Thing at a time.

If you need a little help, let me know. In my next post I’ll share some other strategies to get into action around your Big Things.

Mountain, Molehill, or Puddle – It’s All a Matter of Perspective

This is NOT a mountain to climb!

Have you ever made something bigger in your mind than it really was?  And then avoided it like the plague and never got it done?

There are once-in-a-while tasks or even projects or dreams we have that, because we’ve never done them before or we don’t feel confident doing them, we put off. It may involve making a big decision and commitment, or will take a big chunk of time to complete. We let our imagination take over and think, “It’s going to be too hard.” Or, “It’s so big I don’t know where to start.” Or, “I just don’t have time for that right now.” These thoughts keep us in the avoidance or procrastination mindset. Our daily whirlwind of activity and our fear of the unknown doesn’t allow us to see any possibility.

My year has been busy - my coaching practice, family events, and the adjustments to becoming a Zoom expert out of shear necessity! (Let’s call that my whirlwind). I also knew that I wanted to do more.

During a recent coaching session (yes, Coaches have Coaches!), I wanted clarity on my next steps for my coaching business and my professional interests. I had several incomplete projects that I wanted to pay attention to; finish writing my book, launch more classes, launch a coach mentoring niche, and a few more “lofty” projects. I was in the mindset that I would “eventually do them all but who knows when”.  The first win of the session was to identify ONE (and only one) thing to focus on. I chose to relaunch my newsletter. The second win of the session was my determination to hire my friend and marketing consultant Jocelyn Murray to help me get this done. I know from past endeavors that I do best with an accountability partner. There were also some technical issues involving my website that were holding me back.

I shifted from, “I can do this all by myself but not sure when I’ll find the time,” to, “I will get this done, one step at a time, with partners to encourage and guide me when I need help.”

When I spoke with Jocelyn, I told her I was ready to make the “big leap”. She said, “It’s not a big leap, it’s just a step over a little puddle.”

That’s when I knew I had been making a mountain out of a mole hill, and even better, this was a little puddle that I could step over. It’s more like a series of puddles and I only have to walk over one at a time! I went from using language that was draining my energy and closing off possibilities to language that shows ease and flow and being at choice. I’ve done this with many, many clients, and now I had someone to help me reframe for myself.

If you are reading this article, it means that I’ve posted it on my website and I’ve sent it out to my newsletter list! The next step for me is to repeat the process over and over until it feels like second nature to me. Please reach out if there is a dream or a “future project” that you’d like to discuss. I want to help you find that new perspective.

Lessons Learned:

1. When you have a bunch of big things you want to accomplish “someday”, pick one and work on it – one step at a time – with a commitment to complete it.

2. Take any big project and chunk it down into smaller steps. When you decide on the first step, it makes the possibility of achieving the next steps much more likely.

3. Action, any action, is better than standing still. If the first step isn’t the right one, that’s ok. You can shift your path at any time.

4. It’s OK to ask for help; an accountability partner, someone to talk to who will be there as you find your new, winning perspective.

Destiny Part II: I LOVE What I Do

Destiny Part II: I love what I do!

I love being a life and business coach. Though I never planned to be a coach, I’m quite happy that I followed my gut into this field. I get a front-row seat as people get really engaged and inspired to take control of their life and their future. I get to see goals achieved, confidence and pride built, and a whole shift take place; clients are taking back control of their lives and setting a purposeful course.

Many people call it “Inner Work” and I have to agree. Changes are made from the inside out; shifting focus, setting goals and boundaries and priorities. It is so rewarding to be a part of the transformations that I see on a regular basis.

I have transformed along with my clients. I have gained confidence and clarity, learned to use the tools I teach, and learned that I have to practice, practice, and practice some more every day. You don’t get proficient at anything without putting in the work.

Today I have the honor of rekindling a coaching relationship with one of my very first clients from 2008. Anjali is a dancer, choreographer and college professor. We worked together for over a year between 2008 and 2010. We did our coaching sessions by phone since she lived in FL (and still does) while I live in CT.

It’s hard to explain how you can build such a strong bond with someone by phone, but we did – and have touched base from time to time since then. (She gets more of the credit).  I still have a thank you card that she sent me in 2012! It meant the world to me to see that she was living the life she had aspired to live (her “future self”) and had made many bold decisions along the way.

Anjali has redefined her life since we first started working together. She has set and achieved some amazing goals with real focus and direction. She has also taken direction from signals in her life – like creating an amazing show based on the 33 quilts she inherited from her mother and grandmother; presenting it a few times since March. Anjali just finished a fellowship at NYU where I had the good fortune to finally meet her in person as she shared her history in “Diary of a Black Ballerina.” (Anjali was a member of the famous Dance Theater of Harlem, led by Arthur Mitchell, and toured Europe and Russia in the late 1980’s).

Anjali accelerated the achievement of her hopes and dreams by staying focused and brave – she had those qualities before we met, and she continues to push forward with new goals and aspirations. We haven’t worked together since 2010, so I can’t wait to hear what she wants to pursue in the coming years and I’ll be right there beside her, proud as punch, as she achieves her goals.

Destiny

I just read an article by John Corbett, the actor. In it, he describes what led him to become an actor.

From a steel mill job that his Dad helped him get, to a disabling injury, and ultimately to a local community college, John’s young adult path appeared to be going nowhere. He had no confidence in his future. What changed his destiny was a chance conversation with a bunch of acting students at the college. They invited him to their improv class and the rest, as they say, is history.

He didn’t set out to become an actor. It wasn’t on his radar. And yet now he is very successful and happy and doing what he loves.

Corbett says, “I’ve learned, like the priest I play in All Saints (a new movie coming out where he plays the lead), that when God sends a suggestion our way, the best thing we can do for ourselves is say yes.”

This brings me to why I am writing today; to share my own “how did it happen” story.

In 2006 my sister Grace, a coach and instructor, invited me to a coaching class; a 3-day weekend course that would change my life. I was a respiratory therapist at the time, working 3 shifts a week in the Intensive Care Units at a local hospital. From the Newborn ICU, to Surgical ICU, to the Burn unit, I was part of the team taking care of patients who were on ventilators and in other crisis situations. I liked what I did but I didn’t like working weekends and holidays. A weekend class with my sister – on my birthday no less – sounded fun, so I went. I had no expectations that it would lead to anything but I was curious.

After taking that coaching class, I was hooked. It took over a year for me to finish the other classes, another 25 weeks to get certified, and another year before I fully quit respiratory therapy, but I’ve never looked back.

I love what I do as a coach. People come in with questions, concerns, and frustrations and come out with confidence, clarity, and new life-changing skills and understanding. It is so rewarding! I challenge myself along the way as well. Each client brings me new understanding of myself and others. Each moment of my life – from the things I read, to the stories I hear, and the people I come in contact with – has the potential to inspire me to acquire a new skill or level of awareness that will make the learning – and the living, a little bit easier.

I didn’t set out to be a coach, but my education, my life experiences, and the encouragement of my sister and others has led me to a career I really love. I love to help people find clarity. I love to help people regain a sense of peace and calm that comes from knowing the direction they are heading. I love seeing relationships grow with new skills to boost more positivity and understanding. I love watching my clients achieve the dreams and goals they care so much about!

And now, a new chapter begins for me as the owner of a training center! I didn’t set out to rent an office, but when one of my clients showed me the building he was renovating for commercial use, the minute I stepped in the door I knew it had to be a conference room – it was full of light and had unexplainable energy for me. It has enough room for a dozen or so people to transform their minds and their hearts and just the right space for me to grow as a business owner.

It’s taken almost a year, but Inner Work Training Center is ready for business! I got a nudge and I followed it; first with coaching, and now with my new coaching and training center. I could have ignored the call, but I’m really glad I didn’t. I’m anxious to see where this new chapter takes me.

If you live nearby, I hope you’ll set up a time to drop in!

What to do when you feel stuck!

In my wiser years (I won't call myself old YET!), I get to say that I've learned a lot from mistakes I've made, experiences I've had, and challenges I've overcome. I've read a lot of "self-help" books, and even written one.

I was asked a question recently and at the time I came up with something practical and referenced concepts from my book and my coaching techniques.  Now I'm going to try to answer it in a more thorough and thoughtful way.

Here's the question: "What do you do when you feel stuck?"

One of the definitions I found in google that matched the typical use of "stuck" showed:

• baffled, beaten, at a loss, at one's wits' end;
• informally - stumped, bogged down, flummoxed, fazed, bamboozled, as in "if you get stuck, leave a blank"

The sense I get when someone says they are "stuck" is that they are feeling frustrated and are at a crossroads of knowing and not knowing. "Do I do this or do I do that?" - sometimes not even sure what their choices are! Other times feeling stuck is being unable or afraid to make a decision or feeling the inability to take action in any direction. That's when the deadly "time-wasting" activities creep in.

In my book I write about procrastinating during a time when I was so overwhelmed by things on my plate that I didn't even know where to start. I was "stuck" in inactivity, not sure how to get out of the mood and mindset I was in that might ease my feelings and point to an obvious starting place.

At the time, my answer was to take a step back, assess what the heck was going on, and make a choice of starting SOMEWHERE!  I decided on one project, one hour of time, one tiny series of tasks to gain clarity and "move the ball down the field". When I was done I felt so much relief and excitement it gave me the momentum to keep going.

The answer to the original question, "How do I get un-stuck?", might sound like this:

What is ONE thing you could do today that would get you moving again?

And sometimes, ANY movement is better than NO movement. It airs out the congestion and gets your brain thinking functionally again.

In the grander scheme of things, in trying to find a way to get un-stuck, it helps to get really specific about what is causing that feeling; are you stuck about life in general, a relationship issue, a giant task that you can't figure out, or maybe a huge decision to make? Are there other people involved? What else is going on to compound the feelings?

This is the perfect time to try my "Five A Change Process". You'll go from Stuck to Action in no time.

1. Awareness: Get clarity! What are you stuck about?
Does it involve just you or others? Do you have an emotional attachment to one outcome or your energy gets drained when you even think about taking action? What are your obstacles? 

2. Accept responsibility to get yourself unstuck. No one else can do it for you. If you wait for things to improve or for someone else to make a change, you could be waiting forever! You also will be at the mercy of others instead of being in control.

3. Attitude is everything. Now that you are mentally in charge, let's get your mental mindset reframed to something positive. If you think something is impossible, it will be impossible! Turn it around. From, "I can't do it" to "I'll figure it out." From, "It's too complicated." to "I'm going to list ALL the steps and figure out where to start." You can do this! Find your motto, charge up the hill, make the change, and TACKLE instead of being "flummoxed"!

4. Assess your choices. You can do something, you can do nothing. Which will move you forward? If you do nothing, as we generally do when we are stuck, we put ourselves in Purgatory. Nothing can get better from there!
If you DID do something, what could that include? It's more than a Pros and Cons list, it's a possibilities list. Once you start writing, the ideas will begin to flow. You might need to talk it through with someone, as I prefer to do when I am stuck. Hearing the words you are forming, and getting feedback or ideas from someone else, is often the key to finding the best choices to choose from. From there you get to pick your first step.

5. Action always gets you moving. You can't be stuck if you are in action (but of course it has to be action toward the issue, not some mind-numbing, time-wasting action!). 
Plan your steps and then DO them! Where and when will you do them? (Studies show that you are much more likely to do them if you visualize where and when you will be when they are done).

These five words can "un-stick" anyone: Aware, Accept, Attitude, Assess, and Action.
Remember them, use them, and come back for a refresher if you need a reminder.

If you're having trouble on your own, get in touch. I'm here to help. Contact Monica!

Learn, Do, and Teach

I love to learn new concepts that will make my life better. And then I like to teach them.

I recently started a new coach training program based on the book, “Profit from the Positive”, by Margaret Greenberg and Senia Maymin, both executive coaches who hold a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Margaret is our instructor and 6 of us (mostly other coaches) are connected weekly on a virtual platform.

As we learn new material we are both requested and encouraged to teach others what we are learning – it has been proven that you learn the material much better if you learn, do and teach (my words for it). I have used this technique ever since I completed my first coaching class in 2006.

Learn, teach, do – or Learn, do and teach. Either way, the material gets to a deep level of consciousness for me. The more I do and teach, the more readily the material is accessible when I need it!

There is more than one way to absorb new material. I take tons of notes – when I’m reading the book and during our class. Then I review the notes and sometimes add to them. I think about the material and see if I can memorize any foundational material that is the key to using it. I practice using any tools that come up. I also talk about the material to others and use any new concepts or tools with clients asap.

For instance, in “Profit from the Positive”, the first chapter talks about the three common reasons for a loss in productivity – we are Overworked, we Multitask, and we Procrastinate. Well, if you know me, you know the theme procrastination has played in my life recently. I wrote a book that describes the STOP Syndrome: Stress, Tension, Overwhelm, and PROCRASTINATION! Procrastination is the trait that seeps into our lives and puts a halt on progress while making us feel “less-than”, shameful, guilty, and even depressed.

Non-procrastinators just don’t seem to understand. They say things like, “Just do It!” (I’ve told myself that very phrase more times than I can count). But it’s not just about “doing it”. We are not lazy. Our mind is telling us a million reasons why NOT doing it is so much better in this moment. Things like, “You don’t have time to do it all”, “It won’t work”, “It will be too hard”, or “I don’t know where to start.”

These are evil, confidence-killing phrases that take control of our mind and crush our productivity.

That leads me to the teaching part.

Dr Maymin and Greenberg offer great tools to shift your mindset and get you into action – and that’s just chapter one!

So take this Procrastination:

·         Just Plan It!

·         Trick yourself into getting started

·         Set habits, not just goals (BIG IDEA!)

·         Work less, accomplish more

I recently started with a new client, the day my class covered these 4 tools. I KNEW they would be perfect to share with her. After hearing about these four tools she immediately embraced the first and third tool. We planned out some strategies for the week, breaking a HUGE goal into tiny, achievable parts, and she texted twice in the first 2 days to tell me what she had already accomplished and how great it makes her feel.

She is doing! That is the key. She has broken the log jam of procrastination. I am doing more too!

THAT is a beautiful thing.

Learn, do, and teach. I completed the cycle in 24 hours! Now it’s your turn.

Read “Profit from the Positive” and pass it on!

PS. “Profit from the Positive” is a great book - a guide for business leaders, managers, executive coaches, and human resource professionals. I do not gain anything by having you buy this book – I just like to support authors who write great things!

What do you want more of?

When I get stuck or feel like life is not going the way I planned, I sometimes focus on the problem - my time is getting hijacked by external forces, I'm having trouble focusing, or I just don't feel like doing what I had planned for the day, etc. I look back on my day or my week and see how many ways I DIDN'T do what I "should have".

Thinking like this leads to a lot of negative self talk; beating myself up, getting aggravated by those external forces, wishing life was simpler, whatever. All this negative self talk is a sign. A sign that I'm not setting clear intentions and clear boundaries for myself and others. It might also be a sign that I'm asking too much of myself or others, that I have unrealistic expectations.

Let's try to re-frame the negative talk to a positive approach.

What do I want more of? I want more self-commitment and a clear path of action. I want more results. I want to make a list and stick to it. Did you notice I'm still beating myself up a little?

Try it this way: What brings you joy? What would make you really happy and excited, maybe even relieved? How can you boost your own morale and reward yourself for X, Y, or Z action? What can you do to start and end your day to get you in a good mindset? What kind of breaks can you take during the day that will allow you to move, clear the cobwebs, and refresh your body and soul? 

We are not Human Doings. We are Human Beings. Remember that. Be the person you want to be.

I love to celebrate with my clients.  We start our sessions with a win for the week. It's amazing how many times a person will say they don't have any wins, but then when they get started talking about it, they realize they made this good choice and that first step. They may not have done exactly what they said they would do but their brain found a way to take one step closer.

I am going to make mindful choices, celebrate more accomplishments, and focus on how great it feels when I get things done and stick to my plan!